Love or Fear ?

Again, a post about relationships. I've noticed many times how husband and wife seem to adjust/ignore for the other's nature. There are very petty things to extremely important things that they fail to openly discuss with their partner. I've been wondering whether its due to love towards each other or fear? A simple example, my friend got married and for nearly a year she has been cooking for her husband. Potatoes don't suit the husband but it's his wife's favourite dish. So for a year, the hubby hasn't told this to his wife. After a year, suddenly he falls sick and the wife learns this from the doctor. Is this required? What has he gained in keeping numb? He could have definitely told his wife at the right time. It was just a fear of upsetting her. Habits are another night-mare. After an arranged marriage, our life-partner is surely new to us. Every habit differs. It's good to adjust but in what ways? Before marriage, he might have roamed out with his friends to cinemas. Now he might see his wife as one of his friends but then women are from Venus. So, she might enjoy shopping better than a movie. But she never speaks out. There was this funny incident. My friend was pissed off with her husband. Guess for what? He did not buy her flowers. ;-). They both had gone to the temple and the husband didn't pay attention to get her some flowers a matter of Rs 5. When the husband knew the reason, he cooly asks "Oh is this a big deal? You could have told me. Won't I spend Rs 5". He speaks practically. The wife snaps back, " I've enough money to buy it". She is right, she is not financially dependent on him but its an emotional dependency. The husband speaks back, " Then get it yourself. You're such an egoist". A small issue gets big. Now, for a minute if the husband had put himself in his wife's place. He should have thought, "I'm just into her life, she doesn't know my love unless I reassure her everyday. She has all reason to feel possessive, uncared for, insecure.She hasn't desired for an impossible thing so what does she need? She needs my attention and a reassurance that I'll always be there for her." Now his reply would be, "Ok.. I'm sorry. Next time I'll remember. I didn't mean to hurt u". Communication is the key. Now if the wife never speaks back how many ever years it takes, the husband might never know how she feels. Again, can everything be communicated? The answer is a big "NO". A girl after 20-25 years of playfulness is expected to behave maturely right after the knot is tied. And she tries her best to win everyone's heart. Life just becomes adjustment & compromise for her. So, as a wife she expects her husband to understand her. When he continues to be a playboy she feels as if she's giving more & receiving nothing in return. Occassional small things will make her feel all her adjustments are worth it. Every wife complains, "If I have to tell him everything then why the hell did he marry?" "Why should I beg him to show love?" "If he really loves me, he should know" "He doesn't care". I feel that there's nothing wrong in communicating our feelings to our partner. After all why should we adjust/tolerate if there's a way out? We can adjust out of love but shouldn't fail to express out of fear. There's no use in just reading the book "Men r from Mars..", the true value of education is in trying to follow the principles in life.

Relationships

Recently, I watched a TV show where there was an argument about relationships. The crux/conclusion of the arguments was the most important/effective relationship is “Husband-Wife”. Though surprising, practically the answer is right. People can live without their parents. The death of their parents doesn’t end their life. People exist without siblings. There are even childless couples whose life continues. But the single most difficult loss to counter is the death/separation of spouse. I asked my mom, “Whom do you love more, dad or us?” The reply she gave just amazed me, “The world might say that mother’s love is the best but that’s never true. A husband however bad he might be is a woman’s first love. She might shout at him but will never stop loving him. When her children fall sick or move away after marriage/career a woman would feel the loss but to a much lesser degree than when her husband leaves her/dies." She continued, " Similarly, your dad though he doesn't show his emotions would never bear to see me suffering even from a slight fever." We call our spouse as "life partner". The only person who is there for us throughout our life. As I was thinking on this I bumped into a link , Get your relationships 'organised' Do we really give this much importance to this most important relationship? I think we take certain things for granted. Sadly, this relationship has been the least respected from time immemorial. A generation ago, this relationship remained intact becoz wives were more tolerant. But now, even love marriages are failing miserably. The attention that we give each other when we are lovers just vanishes out of sight after marriage. We spend a lot of time in earning money, planning for our future, career, children, etc but spare no time to do small things which show our spouse " Hey !! I love you the most. Come what may you are the most important person in my life". A wife definitely expects this not sure even if a husband also feels neglected after marriage. One of my collegues, did her MBA and got married to another business executive. She was so career-oriented that she would always be touring. She won laurels everywhere but within a year her husband filed for a divorce and she has no regrets now. She feels her husband is egoistic and hinders her growth. Her husband was a normal person who expects his wife to take care of his family, wake him up with a smile and wait for him when he returns home with a hot dinner, spends the weekends with him, listens to his tensions, etc but he got the opposite wife who expects him to cook dinner, comes home tired with a lot of tensions to share rather than listen. He had politely told her about his feelings. She wasn't ready to change. Another collegue, his wife is a house-wife. He was too busy with his work that he hardly spent time at home. His wife got pissed off and left him. Quite understandable.. She sits at home staring at the door waiting for her husband. When everyday he comes late and is too tired to notice even the new saree she is wearing, or appreciate the nice dinner she has cooked, she feels uncared for. She would be planning the whole week for the weekend while her husband would come home on a Friday evening saying, " I've to work this weekend. I've a deadline to meet". Still worse is couples divorcing due to problem/mis-understandings among in-laws. When its a universal truth that mother-in-law and daugther-in-law never get along well, we seldom notice how this strains the relationship b/w husband & wife. So marriages in either way don't suceed whether the wife is an office-goer or a house-wife. God definitely didn't create man to suffer but there seems to be very few happy people. So its definitely man who is spoiling his own happiness. People are starting to lose faith in this husband-wife relationship. As days pass, women's self-respect would definitely increase and adjustmentment and tolerance would reduce. It's no doubt that we are competing with the developed countries but definitely at the cost of our relationships. A generation from now we might see India completely westernised.

Unconditional Love

Often, I've wondered what is the reason for so much unhappiness in this beautiful world. The reason, I find in common is "Expectation". Whenever we expect we push ourselves into a sea of unhappiness. I happened to read an excerpt from the writings of Paramahansa Yogananda here Yet another site explains Unconditional love Let me start from the very basic things, Friends: We expect them to be truthful to us and when we find that they aren't trustworthy we get disappointed. Husband & Wife : There are a lot of expectations and disappointments. God : Do we love God unconditionally? We go to temples to pray and when our wish is fulfilled we thank God and beleive in him whereas when our wishes aren't fulfilled we hate him and start losing faith. Does God love us unconditionally? If so, there should be no worries in this universe. Parents & Children : Why is mother's love called "Unconditional"? Maybe we should categorise parents as 1. Parents of a son 2. Parents of a daughter The love of parent 1 can never be said as unconditional. They educate their son not only to fend for himself but to take care of them in their old age. (Atleast in India it is so). With that expectation, though many mothers hide their disappointment and say "However you are I'll love you" internally they do have that expectation/possessiveness etc. The love of parent 2 is nearly unconditional. They shower their love and affection on their daughter knowing fully well she is going to leave them alone in their old age. They don't deny her any education. They spend lavishly for her marriage just for her well-being. What do they get in return? They are no different than parent 1 except they have a girl instead of a boy. Is there something called "Unconditional Love"? Is it possible to just do our duty and expect nothing in return? Is it possible to be like Jesus/Buddha turning a deaf ear to what others say abt us?

Science or Miracles ??

Many people have tried to explore this universe and stated their findings. Astrology, Palmistry and Numerology have always fascinated me. These are sciences which have some merit but we study and interpret them wrongly and blame the art instead. 3 years Ago : Me: I've completed my Engg.. and have joined MS. Mom: We want to get her married. Uncle (Well versed in Astrology) : Hmm..lets see. Ok.your horoscope has "Sukra Thisai" from birth till your 19 years. So you are 21 now. Something remarkable should have happened at the 19th year? Me : I got college first (university first) that year and I won in many presentations etc. He was able to tell me even the dates in which I was "lucky". My mom was impressed and wanted to know more and many facts were true. Uncle : Ok..you said you have joined MS. Hmm..but your horoscope says you should be earning by now. He started calculating and said, "Ok in 2-3 months you'll get a good job and that month you'll get all you wanted." Me: Let's see. Uncle: You are going abroad. Me: Me?? I'm not interested. Uncle: Things don't happen the way you want. But you're definitely going abroad. Mom: So what abt her MS, Marriage? Uncle: That's fishy ! She also has a strong education line. May be she'll do some correspondence course. You have to wait for a year to get her married. I had 0% beleif in what he said. Firstly, I had the least idea of taking a job. But it so happened that within 2 months a lot of things happened and I joined a company. Even amidst so many obstacles I could never quit my MS. Someone helped me at each stage and now as he had predicted I started earning, got married after a year, went abroad and completed my MS. I can never dismiss these things as coincidental. But the point was even though he told my mom to wait for 1 year, my parents didn't stop consulting astrologers and they did a lot of parikarams still I got married only after a year. So, I wonder can we change destined things? Sometimes I wonder whether life, is a preplanned biochemical process or is it just a miracle. Life was once considered as an act of some supernatural power but it is proved to be a biochemical process. Some centuries ago, when the first man "invented" fire, it would have definitely seemed a miracle to him. Without science, even rain is a miracle. Every act in this universe surely has a reason and it is we who fail to explore it. Have we ever wondered how gravity works? Imagine a world(like space) with people floating around. There are numerous such things in this world which we don't understand. To me there is only one unknown or unanswerable question. Who designed all these? We all have to beleive the fact that the earth definitely has an influence on us without which we can't stand ;-). We call this attractive force as gravity and we all are the living proof of this. So, when the earth, a planet, can influence us it is equally possible that the other planets, stars, sun and other heavenly bodies influence us in our day-to-day life. So at the time of our birth, i.e, the first time we are under the direct control of earth's gravity we also get into the influence of other heavenly bodies. Is it really possible to change the influence of these planets? One of my friend's mom is a doctor and doesn't beleive in astrology. On a casual chat, My friend: Creation of life is a miracle. Her Mom: Creation of life is chemistry. My Friend: So, then how come some people go childless? They go to many doctors and finally do some parikarams and get a child. Her Mom: That's again an interesting story. Medically, there are only health incompatibility reasons for a couple to go childless atleast 75% of then undergo treatment and are successful in getting a child. If God can give a child, then there needs to be no husband-wife relationship at all. Anyone can get a child by simply circling the "Arasa maram". My friend: You're right. But then you mean to say that God doesn't help in creation of life. Her Mom: That's not the point. As I said before, its just your body chemistry. We medically try to improve the chemistry while praying to God and doing parikarams gives them beleif. Its ultimately requirement of positive vibrations and depends on the individual. Like, in a movie Rajnikanth is a coward and the heroine ties a sacred thread and tells him that it would give him courage. Suddenly, he fights the villains. Would you say its becoz of the thread? No, its his beleif on himself. Me: That's true. Science is expanding to such an extent that now hens are not required to hatch eggs. Her Mom: This is the age of test-tube babies. Research is going on to find if men can bear children. My friend: Ultimately, I think even human beings would be developed in chemistry labs. That was a good conversation. Match making is yet another area where we all take things easy. My grandfather explained to me once, the real process of match-making. Each person's characteristics are nearly determined by the influence of the stars/planets governing him/her. Let's assume, the planets Saturn and Jupiter are like 2 chemicals which when brought in contact could even explode. So, we should take utmost care before mixing them. Its the same case with 2 individuals. The stars,planets governing them decide their character and help in finding their compatibility. So, if done properly, this calculation would prove to be correct and might be one of the reasons of happy marriages in the past. There's still a lot more to explore in these areas. Can we predict things? Yes, we can. Should we know our future beforehand? Need not, what's the thrill in life then? Can we avoid/change our future by parikarams/prayers? I think we can't. I beleive, its not only Arjuna who had Krishna as his charioteer. Each one of us, see, feel and hear God (or a supernatural power) in every task we do. Seems my stars are not well ;-) this year. My mom has given me a list of parikarams to do. I just prepare myself for the worst becoz I think we have to undergo whatever comes to us and maybe learn the lesson rather than trying to escape. Its better to get down the snake at 30 or 60 in "paramapadham" (Snake and Ladder Game) than getting down at 99 !!

Politeness

Polite soothing words can make a lot of difference in our day-to-day life. I was watching the film "Muthu" and there was a scene where Meena would shout at vadivelu arrogantly refusing his proposal for marriage. Superstar would say a dialogue meaning, "Say the same answer with a smile..". This politeness is the key to many problems in our day-to-day life. Scene #1: Husband : Wait for sometime. I'll drop you. Wife (One response) : Thanks ..but it's getting late for me. You need not hurry. I'll manage by myself. See you in the evening. Bye. Wife (2nd Response) : I can't wait till you get ready. I'm leaving. Wife (3rd response) : If you really wanted to drop me you should have got ready in time. I'm leaving. ( Blaming him) Wife (4th response) : No need. I have legs and I'm not at your mercy. Don't act as if you're concerned abt me. Blah Blah... How does a husband feel at these responses? The wife is not feeling well and probably they had a fight too. The husband really cares for his wife and wants to make up. Though all these responses mean the same, the first response is the politest one which makes both of them happy. The other 3 vary from mild to most harshness. Scene #2: The lady is waiting for the house-maid and its getting late for her. House-maid: Sorry M'am. I'm not feeling well. Lady: What happened? Ok..go to the doctor. Take care of your health. Take this Rs 50/-. I'll do the work today. If you feel well then come to work tommorrow else take rest. Lady: Ok .. finish the work soon..it's getting late for me. No need to mop the floor today you can do it tomorrow. Lady: How come you get an excuse everytime? Monthly twice you take leave saying this reason. For the work you do the salary you get itself is too much..from next time I'll cut down on your salary then only you'll stop giving silly reasons. What a difference politeness can make !! Scene #3 Man : Sir, I need 2 days leave. I need to go to my native place for Diwali. Manager : Ok..I understand u've been working too hard and you really need a break. But the deadline is near and if you can complete it sooner you can take a week off. But right now it might be difficult for the project if you go on leave. All your efforts for these 6 months would be wasted. If you insist on going now then, you can take a day off. Manager : Ok.. if you complete your work then I think you can take 1 day leave. Else you need to push your leave plans. With the project at a critical stage, I don't think you can take 2 days off. Manager : Leave ? Come on..how can you act so irresponsibly? The project is slipping the schedule and I'm already getting calls from all quarters. How can I run this project with people like you. How can you think of celebrating Diwali at this critical time? There are 25 people in this team .. let all of us enjoy ourselves and close this project. I never expected this from you. What would the man have done? The first reply makes him realize that he is an important member and this makes him feel good. The second doesn't hurt him. While the third, demoralizes him. Even if he decides to stay back he can't work with the same interest that he had before. Everyday we come across several situations like this where we spoil our moods and others' by shouting unnecessarily and spreading tension around us. Tension takes away the smile from our face and in turn takes peace from us as well as in the environment. Anger is a deadly disease. Its well said, "He who angers you conquers you". The words spoken in anger can never be taken back. Everyone likes to hear polite words. Politeness is a great virtue to be possessed !!

Project/Life Management

3 friends Raju, Ramu and Somu, graduate from a top engg. college. All of them have been peers from childhood and are equally efficient be it studies, sports or other extra-curricular activities. If Ramu comes first one term, next time its Somu's or Raju's turn. All 3 are placed in the same company and wish each other good luck before they get assigned to their respective projects. Raju joins as a team member (TM) in a big project. He is really worried becoz he's the only new member in the team. His project manger(PM) and project leader(PL) handle him with utmost care. They give him every opportunity to grow and he starts feeling comfortable. His Team Leader (TL) guides him in the right path. He never blames him for his faults rather tells him politely " Its ok to make mistakes. That's how you learn. Avoid it next time". He is extremely happy and life is cool. He performs very well and is selected as the best associate of the year. He is the youngest to acheive this..How was this possible? His superiors moulded him properly and got their work done. A perfect example of a team work. With all their experience, they knew how to handle people. They were given a glass jar and now it has become hard metal ready to face more challenges. Raju got promoted as a Team Leader and he set a perfect example. He kept moving higher and now he is the youngest entrepreneur with 30 people working under him. In an interview he said, "I owe my success to my parents because without them I'd not have been a good individual. I should thank my professors and friends who helped me gain knowledge in this world. I should thank the TL,PL and PM of my first project, who were a second mother to me. Though inherently I was talented, they brought out the talent in me and within 7 years I'm a much more confident and successful person". Ramu joined a project with a lot of aspirations. He joined as a TM and was handed over to a TL who was responsible to take care of him. The PM or PL did not assign him any work. He had his project work and in addition he did some learning on his own. Noone guided him. He tried to improve himself technically and clear certification exams but that didn't make his TL, PL or PM happy. His TL abused him in every work he did and interfered in his job while the same code had been said to be excellent by others. He got appreciated by everyone for his perfect planning at work. The TL kept comparing him against other TM's and said, "You didn't participate in the birthday celebrations, team outings..you are not taking initiative". He's fed up at this ill-treatment. He decided to quit and at the exit interview says, "I can never accept that this failure is solely becoz of me..its due to lack of team work. When we 4 are like 4 wheels of a car, if one tyre is weak still the car can make to its destination. Likewise, I'm new to this project while you 3 are already here. You should understand that it would take me a lot of time to understand things here. Things can't happen overnight. I think I'm worth more than being here but to the new member who comes in please don't treat him like how you did me. 1. Stop complaining abt the TM. Every TM has his negatives and if the PL/PM keep cribbing , the project is not going to succeed. 2. Give them a definite goal/plan and evaluate them based on that. Instead of expecting something from them and without informing them how would they know? 3. Encourage them in new initiatives. 4. Stop seeing them with hatred/fear that he may shine better than you. After all, we all work in the same team. 5. Always give constructive feedback. Don't expect the TM to be happy when you keep saying, "I don't know who gave you an engineering degree. You are fit for nothing" . Though Ramu was equally talented, his environment was completely against him and he failed at first. The glass jar has been broken, though its repaired it can never be the same again. Somu, was a bit more luckier than Ramu. He too had a worse environment with noone to guide. His PL didn't know what it means to appreciate. But atleast his TL was a good man. He helped Somu to improve technically and encouraged him though his PL and PM were always against him. His PM and PL's expectations were different. Somu told clearly in the interview that he is interested in working and has experience in Java but they thought they could retrain him in the technology of their choice. What a folly? THey did not have their requirements clear. They chose the wrong resource and now instead of utilizing and correcting their mistake they crib and make the situation worse. Somu was disappointed becoz his aspirations were shattered still he tried to train himself. But they expected him to be an expert right from day 1 and kept comparing him against experienced people. They were also unhappy. Somu could not shine much because his environment wasn't favourable. The project didn't fare well and the PL left the project. It could have been a win-win situation. Though it took time, luck has started favouring him. Now, he is the PL for a project of his choice. ******************************************************* A very good management principle and an excellent example of what a manager/leader should do. Applying the same to life, assuming life as a long-term project, we all fall into either of the 3 categories. Successful, Failures , Hoping. Let me substitute the management roles to home members. TM - Wife / Daughter-in-law TL - Husband / Son PL - Mother-in-law PM - Father-in-law As a TM, the newly wed DIL never wants to create any confusion in the house. Will someone wantedly destroy peace? But, she is the only person blamed for that. She, becoming a Raju,Ramu or Somu depends largely on the other 3 members. First case, perfect family .. full of love and understanding. Sadly, happens rarely. Second case, worst family. With everyone against her, she quits either out of the family or out of this world itself. Sadly, this happens even today. Third case, neutral family. With 75% women working, are families clear on whether they want their DIL to work or not? Customs, culture, town/city brought up, attitude,etc what not? When requirements itself is wrong is it correct to blame the DIL? If atleast husband supports his wife and stands by her, she has a reason to hope that one fine day things would be normal. Still she's waiting for the MIL to quit..she's just tolerating. Atleast at work, the PL and PM move out of the project and would never be under the TM..but in life its not so. Once things come into her hand, she starts taking revenge. It's hell of a life for everyone. This is the situation of most families today. When we know we have a disease and we also know the cure, we fail to accept it. May be God didn't want a perfect world? Is that why there are least Raju's and more Ramu's and Somu's? Will this situation change atleast in our generation?