Joint families

Many times I've felt that God answers my questions in some way. Sometimes there are premonitions, preparing me for some future incidents. As I was browsing, I bumped into this url . The comments section is also good. My collegue is pregnant and on a casual chat, I asked her how she is managing without the help of her mother-in-law. The conversation took an interesting shape with 2 more collegues joining. We were 4 women there and each with a different point of view. Let me give the other 3 names as Shuba, Suja and Geetha. Geetha is the one who is expecting a baby and lives with her husband. Shuba lives with her in-laws and has a 9 month old girl. Suja lives near her parents and has a 10-month old girl. I'm in a joint-family with my in-laws and not yet into motherhood. Any woman, be it a working or a house-wife finds it tough to manage alone during and after pregnancy. So, the essence of a joint family system is sharing of work. There is always a helping hand. So, the conversation grouped into 2 groups with myself and Shuba one side and Geetha and Suja on the other. The topic drifted to "Why is there dearth in joint families?" Shuba - May be, parents are in towns and villages and we are working in cities. They might have commitments in their places. Suja - Even otherwise, elders are a pain. My in-laws are too graceful. They know we both are working and we have our own ways. They realized that my ways are different than theirs and stayed back in Madurai. Geetha - True !! Further, husbands now-a-days are too helping. There can be no intimacy between husband and wife. I saw my mom suffer in a joint family. Even to speak a word to my dad, she had to wait till night. Now, I love my husband 100 times more. He does everything for me. He takes care of me. Me - Do you mean to say he would not love you if you were with your in-laws? Geetha - No. Everyone loves their spouse but expressing their love is what matters. When he helps me in doing house-hold chores, I just feel so cared for. He makes me a tea in the morning and I can't explain..it feels so good to get tat attention from your husband. I feel mothers should stop bossing around their sons after marriage. The same way I'm maturing into a wife, even he needs to mature into a husband rather than just being a son. Now, sometimes I just feel like holding his hands and leaning on his shoulders and I can do it. There are many small things which we miss in a joint family. The spark of romance is never there and life just becomes monotonous/mechanical. Suja - To add to it, it helps me to reduce my frustation. When I've left behind my parents and come just for him the very feeling that he keeps me as his first priority makes me feel secure. When we(me and in-laws) were together, he would lie down on his mother's lap..it might make them happy but it would make me feel home sick. Now I can lie down on his lap and see my mom in him. Me - Accepted that there are certain disadvantages in a joint family. But what about the advantages? Isn't it our duty to take care of them? Suja - Come on. No one is deserting them. That's why I said, my in-laws are gracious. There is always a generation gap. Both of us need to understand that. Every person has their own ideas and creativity. I should get a feeling that this is my house. For 30 years, she has been the queen of the house now its time to let go. We both are fine now. We visit them frequently and they too. Since we are alone, even my parents can come and stay in our house. After all, who would take care of my parents? That way things are even. Everyone is happy. Being away and peaceful is better than being together and constantly fighting. Shuba - That means you're lucky. Even I've felt too suppressed at times. But I'm getting used to it. Me - I think this education is reducing the tolerance levels in us. Suja - I completely disagree with you. Education has given us maturity. Do you mean to say there were no problems between mother-in-law daughter-in-law 50 years ago? This is an age-old problem. Its sad that things aren't changing. Immature daughter-in-laws shout back and immediately leave to their parent's house. It takes a process to set things right. Me - That's true. But women were too much dependent on their husbands and always had the insecurity that her husband might desert her. So, atleast she acted like tolerating though counting the days when she can really boss around. Shuba - True. I think to live in a joint family you need to be deaf to your in-laws comments. But education and job has given us self-respect and makes us ask to ourself "Why should I?". Its not a rose bed sometimes its just a thorn-bed. Geetha - We're drifting from the topic. To your question, I'm much happy now than before. I get undivided attention from my husband and that makes me happy. What more is required for a healthy pregnancy? As long as, we both are happy the house-hold works doesn't matter. I've told my mom not to come to help me. May be after I get a child, for a few months my mom or mother-in-law may come to help me. Suja - My mom was there with me to take care of the child. But, I think that is because of my laziness. Otherwise, many of my friends manage by themselves. Shuba - Now, things are getting tricky too. My in-laws are trying to force their opinions on my child. They tell bad things about my parents. My husband doesn't bother, or atleast he is afraid to question his parents. This leads to unwanted quarrels between us. I don't want them to interfere with how I bring up my child. Suja - This is bad. After all, then what are you living for? No intimacy with husband, no freedom at house, now no independence in bringing up your child too. There is a limit for submissiveness. In what way are our parents inferior to them? They have shown the same love and care that our in-laws have shown on our husbands. What right do they have to separate us from our parents? Shubha - True. They expect us to mingle into the family but prevent their son from mingling with our family. How can this symbiotic relationship work? Me - I accept ur view..but things are changing. Why can't you talk with your in-laws about this? Shuba - Certain things won't change. It's their selfish/insecure attitude. What to talk? When their son itself doesn't have the guts, how can I? Its easier to forgive your own family. They would just brand me as egoistic. I'm starting to feel that some precious years of my life are slipping away doing nothing. May be that's my fate. Me - Shuba..you have a lot of patience. You are leading a project here. I think this should not be a problem. I'm not asking you to be submissive but speak with your husband and let him know how you feel. I think he'll understand. Let not small misunderstandings spoil a healthy relationship. -----------------------------*-------------------------------- What can be done for a peaceful joint family? Wife : 1. Needs to understand that her in-laws are not her enemies. Their acts are just out of insecurity. 2. Make them understand that she's not there to separate them from their son. Rather, adapt and be their daugther. 3. Though her husband loves her, there are times when he can't support her openly. So, blaming him doesn't work. After all, he's suffering more than her. 4. Her parents are equally important and they need to have their self-respect. Husband: 1. Try to understand that his wife is equally or more important to him 2. His mom has the 100% support of his dad + equal support from him but its his wife who feels uncared for and insecure. 3. Appreciate his wife in even small adjustments she does. This gives her the energy to face life. She needs a reason to continue her journey and that is just love. She needs assurance that you understand every effort she takes. 4. Understand she has no happiness in tolerating his parents. She is losing her intimacy, independence, creativity, individuality and her parent's love. But all this is only for one reason "husband's love". She deserves more. 5. Try to balance for the intimacy which she might have otherwise got in a nuclear family. Sometime alone might work wonders. She just needs to be heard. 6. Understand that the more he cares for his parent-in-laws, the more his wife would get attached to his parents. As long as he maintains a distance she tends to keep worrying about her parent's future. Once she gets the confidence that he's there to take care of them, she starts giving back. In-laws (Wife's): 1. Try to understand that the girl has been a daughter for these many years and is new to a married life. She is just like wet mud and has to be moulded as required but too much pressure can destroy her. 2. Give away responsibilities than holding on to them. Push them into the water then they'll swim. Experience is the best teacher. There is no right way of doing things. Each person needs to have their individuality. 3. Treat her parents with due respect. Understand that as long as her parents are happy she would be happy and any problem there would increase hatred towards them. 4. Give some time alone for their son and daughter-in-law, instead of feeling jealous at her happiness. 5. Try to let go of their son rather than holding back. When both parents and wife pull a man, ultimately noone is going to be benefitted. Parents: 1. Do not interfere and question the mother-in-laws' behaviour. Even if the mistake is on the mother-in-law, she wouldn't accept it. This would add fuel to the fire. 2. Have confidence on son-in-law. When their daughter, who is 24*7 with her in-laws takes a long time to understand them, don't expect your son-in-law to be a son soon. 3. Always pacify your daughter though you know she has all reason to crib. Never add fuel. Will this strategy work? Is it asking too much from all? What else is the solution to this never-ending problem?